In 4 weeks I will be in the last exam week I will EVER have as a law student. Whew! Just the thought of that astonishes me. Not because I never thought I'd get here or because I didn't think I could do it, but because I never expected this journey to turn out like it has.
For one, I never thought I would leave law school more confused about what I wanted to do in the field then I was when I got here. I expected law school to narrow my vision, to expose me to what I like and what I don't like. This experience has actually done the exact opposite. I have no idea what I want to do. I don't even really know what I don't want to do. Law school is unlike other traditional graduate programs in that there is no specializations. At the end you graduate with a law degree and when you pass the bar you have a license to more or less practice ANY type of law you want. There is lots of law out there. So much that you can't even be trained in all of it during law school, how you go about starting to practice it, I am not completely sure of yet other then to learn from someone who does it. As much as I don't like the drama and headache that comes along with family law I am trained enough in that (thanks to FLAP) to start practicing it as soon as I pass the bar, which would generate income and I could potentially do a lot of from home. But who knows what will happen between now and February when I take the bar.
In addition, this journey has turned out different then anticipated because I NEVER in a million years would have thought I would be leaving this place such a changed person. A matter of fact, at orientation for law school they told all of us that law school would change us. I remember sitting in my chair thinking, "not me! I know who I am and I will leave this place being the same version of me as I am at this moment." How mistaken I was. It didn't just change the way I think or the way I act, but it has completely changed my moral compass, my ideas of right and wrong, and much more. Now I know getting married and being a few weeks shy of spitting out my first born also may contribute to my change in person, but law school had a much larger impact of the me sitting in orientation then I ever thought possible. And, it's good. Law school has made me a more level headed person, it has made me think more before I act, it has made me more independent, it has torn me down and built me up like I never knew I could withhold.
And, the thing it did most was it has put demands on my life that I never knew I could handle. I go back to almost 3 years ago and think about my grandparents and how sick they became in the following 2 years. Then I think about just getting married and watching both of them alongside with also watching my husbands grandfather die within 6 months of each other. I remember being along side of all 3 of them at all hours and being there to watch as they took their last breath. I remember that despite having to be there that the demands of law school and life still existed. And while some of my teachers gave me some wiggle room on reciting cases and being fully prepared for classes, I still had to take an all or nothing exam at the end of class that would determine my fate. I remember despite how hard life got or how chaotic life was with marriage, and death and babies that I still made honor roll every semester. And, I am thankful that the school and my teachers, despite how hard life got, never expected less of me. Because what I learned is that no matter how shitty or hard or busy life gets, it doesn't stop for us to take a breather. It requires us to keep moving or to take a small break, but to catch up. And this may sound somewhat cold, but it's not. Because at the end of these past 3 years, possibly the most defining 3 years of my life (I got married, graduated law school, lost my last 2 grandparents and will have a baby boy in the end), I have accomplished more then I set out to do. At the beginning, all I wanted was to graduate. But after exams I will graduate in the top 25% of my class. Despite what life threw at me, I grew into a stronger, more knowledgable, and more determined me.
Yes, law school has changed me, more then I can ever express in this blog, and even though I am not even sure I want to practice law I wouldn't trade it for the person I was in orientation 3 years ago. It's been quite the ride.
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